SPOON

fuckin a. ok so i had ryan over on friday night. we watched you got served. it was fun. we held hands it was cute. i still cant get Lisa n Ariel out of my mind though. yesterday i had noemi and evan over. it was pretty sweet. we were chillin in the car and we smoked cigarettes. and we chilled in my room. then noemi left a lil earlier while evan stayed till ten thirty. ive been getting so fucking pissed because this is the fucking like 3rd day sam said she would call me but she hasnt. cuz we were supposed to hang out on friday but she didnt call. we were supposed to hang out on saturday but she didnt call. we were supposed to hang out today, no phone call. whatver. shes being really fucking shady. i gotta call theresa. im talking to becker. but i wanna call theresa. and just talk to her. uhmm what else. i dont even know. my parents have been pissing me off. i dont want to do my fucking projects for geoscience. i can just do better on the other ones or some shit like that idk. ive been really pissed off though.

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. i just wasted 5 hours of my life, up on caffeine from coffe. doing what you ask. BULLSHIT homework. fuckin gay ass research project. the teacher better fuckin allow my shit. i dont even think there is a point in going to sleep. i gotta be up in fucking 3 hours. this is soooooo gay. 53 notecards, i counted. im only a lil tired. cuz ive been drinkin coffee. this is horrible. FUCK my composition teacher. FUCK school. FUCK anything she has to say. yeah i could have done this throughout the weekend. but at the same time NO. because friday i was with my mom and we were chillin and then i took a nap. saturday was church and gettin shit ready for easter and fuckin shit like that. today i went to wisconsin to get my fucking hours in. yeah. i came home and ate and shit. and then i did my geoscience projects. we need 35 points, i did enough to get 40. WHY, so i can fuckin get some extra points. took a break. then started my research shit. asked my sister for help, so she helped me, she found me some links. which helped out a LOT. and well getting that shit. plus printing it out and reading. highlighting important information. then writing it all on notecards. yeah that shit DID take me five hours. goddamn! im pissed. my head hurts. im watching music videos. its Oh -Ciara. she is a hot black chick.and she can dance DAMN well too. especially when luda raps, and shes on top of the car. yeah. thats nice. right now i feel like punching a mirror. oh and uhm my research is on depression. ok so with all the symptoms they mention n shit i guess i should be on pills. cuz i have everything they say. i went to have a cigarette at like idk, one something. the flame was huge and i didnt know. cuz the lighter usually sucks. so i burnt my right eyelash a lil. GAY. ugh this is horrible. to top it off. I HAVE DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL!!!! its only thirty minutes. i fucking BETTER find cigarettes tomorrow. people better bum me some shit. cuz honestly i cant take this shit any more.

hmm so i was just talking to theresa. and im watching rap music videos. cuz i like rap. i like alot of different music. and i did realize that a lot of people dont see me as the full me. cuz my friends are usually people that listen to rock only. and i listen to rock, and techno, and rap. basically everything but country. and its like odd. cuz no one believes me that i listen to it all. and then when i DO listen to it they are all "oh" and im like uhmm yeah. i told you. and then like idk. cuz i know a lot about techno, and kinda a lot but not too much about rap. so its like wtf. i listen to what i want to. its music. its for everyone. and seriously i dont care. that i listen to it all. i like it. because im just a more around person. i have been told that i look intimidating. but im not. im not a bitch. i wont sit there and like be all angry and punch bithces in the jaw for no reason. you REALLY gotta get me PISSED for me to like, even want to hit you. yeah i say shit like "ugh ima fucking punch someone" people i DONT always mean it! but ack to the music. usually people dont understand what artists say when they rap. i do. but that is becuase i was brought up on rap music. i prefer rock, dont get me wrong. but like. i like rap too. i can dance too. like with someone else. but i gotta be in front. but i CAN. and like idk. no one even fucking knows. im NOT just one thing. one person that listens to ICP and rock. NO. i listen to Rap and Techno too. and thats about it lol. but still. idk, a lot of people dont see the many sides of me. im not just a flat figure. a person with one personality. not saying that i have multiple personalities. but you know. im like really round and flexible. and like im a really nice person. im not a bitch unless you piss me off. then i AM a bitch. but like i can be soo much more if i get the chance. like. when im dating people. if i really like the person n shit i can be soo much. so much more than i am to other people. like with jeff, i dated him for four days. so people would think that im like that. i date people for a short time and then just leave them. but no. its also cuz i didnt like him THAT much. and shit you know. i can be sooo much. i can do soo much. people just dont see that side of me. idk. i DO have feelings. although i just dont show it much. I WANT TO GO OUT DANCING.

ugh ok idk wtf is goin on with me. i want to break up with jeff. ive been with him for like 3 days only. but idk. i think im the type of person that is better single. and miserable. cuz i feel a lil bad. cuz i like Lisa A LOT. and then like. dating jeff while i like her a lot. i kinda feel like its unfair a bit. and i dont want him to grow to liking me a lot. n me not. as bad as it may sound. i think im better sitting here, wishing i was with someone. and basically having my mind fucking torture me. and just thinking. instead of dating someone when i have feelings for someone else. i guess jeff likes me. but idk. i like him. but not as much as i thought i did? i havent seen him since thursday night. im not sure as to what i should do. wtf i have been hearing a fucking ringing in my right ear for so fucking long now. i was at the white house. n i was standing right next to the speaker. and this one band REALLY sucked. dude was screaming and his screaming was high pitched and it hurt my ears. fuckin a. i hope this isnt bad. whatever. anyways. idk. i want to break up with him. but i dont. cuz hes a nice guy. and hes funny. and hes a cool guy n all. but i dont want me to be confusing good friend with someone i like. or like. i dont want to be with him cuz i want to get my mind off of other things and people. i really dont know what to do.

i was talking to my mom. and she said that i project a bad image of myself. the way i dress. and everything. wtf. so i DO look like a bad kid. idky but it makes me feel a little bad about myself. i used to like, be a bad kid but project off me being a nice kid. now i show im a bad kid, and im not that bad. i dont do a bunch of bad things. i really DONT. so idk. all i do is smoke, and drink, and smoke weed ON OCCASION which is barely ever. i only steal sometimes. and im not afraid. so that makes me a bad kid??? idk. too much on my mind lately. its hell. its horrible. i drank on thursday and shit was off of my mind. i just want to drink. its bad. but i want to drink and smoke a bunch of cigarettes right now. i have money for cigarettes, but no cigarettes. its pretty gay. whatever. im tired.

k so jeff asked me out. last night. i guess i have a bf now. i hope i didnt say yes just so i can get my mind off of other people. i fear i might have done just that. ive been thinking about that a lot today. i also hope i dont cheat on him lol. that would be bad. but i never cheat. i hope he understands that i am bi and i cant keep myself away from girls. hmm. i have money and i need cigarettes. =( . im sad. i dont have any. i need some. i finished my painting. its pretty cool i guess. shit i should be cleaning. i dont want to. im upset. i dont know why, but im upset. i shouldnt be. sam is coming home today. thats exciting. shes forcing me to go to her house. i think Lisa is going to go also. i might go to the white house. i might not. idk. ill just have to wait and see. shit i really really should clean.

aight so tonight was great. me n theresa were talkin and she had to go to starbucks to get her mom a gift card for her bday. so we said we were gonna go see TMNT n shit. uhmm last minute plans as always =). so last second at the square we decided that we werent gonna see TMNT, instead we were gonna call siscoo and see what he was doing. so we went by the train tracks to chill for a lil. i was playin with my hackey sack. we took some cool pictures. then we were walkin back and we saw DJ n jeff walkin. and siscoo was back behind them. so we were chillin with them for a little. they were gonna drink. cuz jeff had a bottle of jack. =D. so i had like 3 shots, jeff had like 6. siscoo, idk. theresa had 1, and idk how much DJ had. so we were ALL buzzed. it was great. we went to the school. cuz they had the pole vaulting mats up. so it was soft lol. we all went there. i hooked up with DJ and jeff a lot. im a whore i know. but i was buzzed so its ok. we were there for like an hour. idk, it was great. i think i was so happy cuz i havent drank in a while. and theresas first time she was buzzed. WITH ME! im such a bad person. not really. she is living how she wants now. its a long story. but uhmm she wasnt herself for the past year or so. and now she is. now that she isnt straightedge anymore. uhmm then we went back to the square. and then i came home. my mom got ice cream! and flamin hots. and i got a bunch of food. YUMMY!!! she loves me! and tomorrow is another day to myself. cuz its theresas moms bday so she cant chill. and supposedly now she is going to her grandmas house on saturday so no white house for her. i MIGHT still go with Lisa. but idk. i MIGHT. but if they are gonna have drinks n shit. ill drink. and IF (which i wont) have cigarettes, id be smoking alot. but ima like mosh. and meet new ppl. and idk. i just DONT KNOW. i would like to go still. but hmmmmmm. i wanna finish my wall already. i did a lot. i started with the heart too. well i painted the heart red. its half red now. =). and idk. tomorrow is friday i have to clean! ugh i dont want too. ive been going to sleep late. and waking up late. i need to go to sleep early and wake up a lil earlier. so i can wake up for school lol. shit son.

its been a while. almost a little too long. i have had too much on my mind. too much shit to deal with, too much shit to go through. i dont member the last time i posted, i think i put it on private, idk. i guess i can start off talking about my spring break. it is basically what is on my mind, since it IS spring break. aight, day by day. you dont have to read this. its for me, its a journal. but if you want to, go for it.
Day one, Thursday: its a half day and im happy, my friend sam let me borrow her basketball shorts for the week so im wearin them n shit. the calientes planned to hang out and then go to theresas crib for a sleepover. sam wasnt in school but its all good. i was pretty much happy all day. it was nice outside too. fuckin, after school im like fuck i dont really have a ride home right now. fuck it, wait, im goin to theresas, aight cool so theresas mom i guess will give me a ride home there. and yeah, my mom already said i could hang out which is cool. so after school me n theresa get Lisa n kris and we start walking and we are outside n shit. we saw noemi for a second. then we also saw fuckin creepy stalker bastard. then we saw abby so we made her chill with us. we all went to taco bell. beaner was with us too. uhmm theresa went with Lisa in her car and the rest of us went with kris in his car. taco bell was aight, me n beaner were goin at it as always but its all good. its funny when we argue. so fuckin i was happy. it was aight. this time kris n Lisa werent really bothering me. them together. it wasnt really hurting, it was, but not as much. i was just happy it was spring break and the weather was nice enough to wear some baggy shorts and idk. the sun was out. and hahah on the way to taco bell we were blastin some music to get high to, rap music. it was great. hmm so after taco bell i went with Lisa and everyone else went with kris. well abby left us. soooo, we went to the square. there was a lot of ppl there, and a lot of fuckin cops. it was bad, i had a cigarette left and there was so much fucking 5-0. we were all in the grass, and kris seems a little too fucking clingy to Lisa so im like thinking fuck you man. and i was like idk, close to Lisa that day. so i look off into the distance as i always do and im like hey train. so we walk over there and there is a group of fucks, and they are all like "Wanna buy heroin?" and we all know i HATE heroin. so im already a lil fucking angered. but whatever we walked farther down and we were chillin. theresa was taking pictures n shit. shes good at that. i wish i was good. im not though, but i wish i was. hmm. anyhoo. we were all chillin and havin a good time n shit. then one of those heroin bitches walks over to us. hes all talkin some shit about us throwin up gang signs, and yelling shit to them, and something about him being the 'grandpapa' grandpapa of what, fucking bums that have no fucking life cuz all they fucking do is get some smack and use it. then try to sell SHIT smack to underaged kids. so that they can get money for the better smack. fuck that shit! i dont fuckin play like that. i hate shit like that. i know someone who was and idk if still is or isnt but a drug addict. i love that girl. and like, she doesnt look shitty though, she lives in a house. shes a great person. but ppl like that. out on the street and you can fucking tell that you dont want to be within ten goddamn feet of them. fuck. so he fucking gave me a dirty look as he was talkin shit to us. i gave him one back. and seriously his look. if looks could fucking kill, id be dead right there, but so would he. so then he walked off and i guess Lisa could tell i was pissed. cuz she kinda like grabbed my arm and we all walked in the other direction. i started saying some shit. whatever. we called 5-0 on their asses. they came later n shit. so we walked back into the square and a really fucking fat guy, he was with them. he was like stalking us from afar. it was creepy, we all left. i was with Lisa again. idk, in the car we just talked about like her n kris n shit. it was nice, i like having talks with her. it feels nice. i feel like there is someone there. although its not always easy for me to get everything i want out in words, i try. so like at Lisas we all chilled inside n shit. i started to feel a little distant from everyone. a little left out maybe? but mostly like i dont belong there. so we went to the school cuz Lisa needed something for some art thing. and beaner had his board and we saw shane and mike and they had their boards so i was skating in school. then we went back to Lisas where we met up with sam. and we were all chillin outside. then me n beaner n sam went to the school, Lisa was going to work anyways. so we took pics and skateboarded in school. got jolly ranchers. just chilled. then theresas mom came and picked us up and i went to theresas crib. so did sam. we went out to her treehouse, sam cleaned it up. we brought a bunch of magazines and shit up there to decorate. i believe that they are all still on the ground n shit. =) thats great. then we called PJ cuz i wanted cigarettes, and i got my cigarettes. i love smoking. its bad but i love it. uhmm we all were chillin. then my mom came and picked me up. so i was with my mom at walmart for a while. then we also got me a sleeping bag. so we get home and theresa and sam call and are all like "We went to drop the beaner off, we are like in the subdivision, want us to pick you up??" so they did. and we were all in the treehouse then. it was nice outside. a little chilly but great. cigarettes, punk rock, 3/4 calientes, treehouse, night, good weather. nothing better than that. so we were all havin fun doin shit hangin out, just being teens. then like me n sam went upstairs on the roof,cuz we wanted to smoke up there. and then Lisa n theresa came back. cuz theresa went to go get Lisa cuz she came from work. so i hear them down there. Lisa-'where is ewa?' sam-'she is upstairs' theresa-'ewa!' i styed up there though. so Lisa came up there. we were sittin and talkin about a lot. it was great. cuz this time we were sittin up on the roof of a treehouse, and it was night. and the weather was nice. and the punk rock was in the background along with theresa and sams voice saying ricoculous things and laughing. plus the door was open so there was like a beam of light shining up. ok so me n Lisa were sittin there. talking aout her n kris n shit. n like idk then she kinda started playing with my neckish. and whatever then i was sitting in her lap. then i was laying down with my head in her lap. then we were laying next to each other and holding each other. i missed that. i told her i missed her. and idk, i felt so complete and whole. and it was a great feeling. cuz i was with her, and we were like holding each other. and it was on the rooftop of a kik ass treehouse and it was night and the weather! the weather was just like the beach in California at night.maybe that is why i felt soo much that night. idk. it was good. then eventually after like an hour we went back down. they made us go get drinks and blankets. so me n Lisa were walking back holding hands. like we used to. just hold hands everywhere. =( . ok so we were standin outside theresas crib. and i kinda burned her with my cigarette on accident. i felt soo bad so i kissed it. and she kept saying one more. so i kept kissing it. then in the house we were lookin for food in the kitchen, she like was standing in front of the fridge and i came up from behind and was holding her like that. then she turned around. so we got the shit and went back to the treehouse. we were there really late. then we went in and Lisa took a shower. she smelled good. we were eating chili and talking and laughing. then we got tired.

Day two, Friday: so we got tired and went to bed. it was hard to fall asleep, Lisa took over theresas bed and was all "ewa sleep here" so i had to. i cant say no. its Lisa, i cant say no to her. its a bad thing i guess, but i just cant. so we were laying there holding each other as always. then at like 3AM ish. i had a dream. it was bad. well good? it was all in color and i felt every last fucking bit of it. it was some cliff. rugged edged cliff. bumpy. a drop off. the bottom was rocks. point dangerous rocks. i was standing at the cliff. and i jumped. well past the rocks was beautiful water. it was amazing. and the waves were crashing hard. i jumped. suicide. so i was two inches away from the rocks and i started waking up. and i woke up by my whole body jumping up. so i guess i fell down. down down down. SUICIDE. it felt soooo fucking good though. i got so tripped out though. i couldnt and wouldnt fall back asleep. i was scared. fear. so me n theresa went to get water and we were sittin out on her sisters deck for like an hour talking. she knows a lot. a LOT LOT LOT. about me. its ok. i trust her. good friend. then we went back in the room to sleep. i fell asleep with Lisa of course. so like when we woke up Lisa went to drop sam off at her crib. theresa started making some food. i was smoking outside. then Lisa came back and she was just like standing there and we were kinda talking. theresa came out there and was complaining about her mom. then her dad came out and said something i wasnt listening. cuz he was out there looking at me, he saw me smoking. i felt odd. theresa said its ok though, but idk. it was wierd. so uhm. we were all hangin out. then Lisa had to work at 4 so she dropped me off at my crib at like 345. we had a really long goodbye. we were just like hugging in the car. but it was so long. it was nice. then i cleaned and took a shower. dad came home. we got theresa and off to noemis party. noemis party was fun. we showed up. my dad was bitchin at me in the car. i was bitchin back so whatever. i just feel bad cuz theresa had to sit there and hear us bitchin at each other. in another language. we showed up and all hung out. went to village market with shane and mike. got bitched at and left. then went back later cuz we were able to get cigarettes. noemis cousin. as we were walking back i saw "elm st." so we were walkin on it. then everyone else came down that street. so we all split up into groups. two groups. us which was me, theresa, mike, shane, noemi, rosie, and later on Lisa. we walked and walked down elm st. until we got to a park. we chilled there. it was foggy. and dark i liked it a lot. then Lisa came. we went into her car later and drove back. we went back to watch the omen. me n lisa n theresa got the top bunk. everyone else got the floor and bottom bunk. haha we are bitches. so i was holding Lisa. and it was aight. then later i was laying on top of her. one thing led to another and we kissed. then like when she was dropping me n theresa off at home. we kissed again. and that was it.

Day three, Saturday: i was talking to Lisa. and well, idk. she said that she didnt know if that kiss meant anything or not. basically that is a no. whatever. its ok. i was complaining. i was having a moody time. big mood swing. i got into one of my "fuck the world, fuck me, fuck life, fuck everything" moods. yeah. the whole. fuck fuck fuck suicide fuck cut cut cut cut cut fuck. i didnt cut. but that MOOD. then what i get from her is some odd way she told me that she doesnt like me. she used a puzzle metaphor. i dont want to type it all but whatever it was basically "im not the missing piece of your puzzle to finish it and make your picture whole and complete." id understand a normal "i dont like you like that" but the way that it was a puzzle metaphor. FUCK. that shit fucking hurt. i dont even know why. its not like ther was anything between us. but it REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking HURT. it was fucking PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. i fell asleep hurt and upset. i shouldnt have. but its ok. i told her im fine and its all good. im spoon. i dont get sad. BULLSHIT.

Day four, Sunday: i didnt do SHIT. i was kinda blah all day. i was thinking about Lisa a lot. more than usual. and idk, like, i felt like she was missing? im not sure. i dont know exactly what i felt. but it wasnt usual every day feelings. i shouldnt be upset. i fucking hate puzzle metaphors. so eventually on this day. theresas ass came over. she brought eternal sunshine. GREAT movie. then later Lisa came to pick her up. ucz well they were all goin to the city on monday. i was supposed to go. i was almost gonna go. but my mom doesnt like trains, that is why i DIDNT go.

Day five, Monday: so i woke up. sad. angry? upset? idk. i wanted to go to the city. BORED. so i call up sam m to see what she is up to. she came and picked me up. we got taco bell and went back to her crib. then we played wii for a lil bit. her brother said that he had some friends that were gona get high. so they came over and we all smoked. it was maui wowie. hawaiian. it was good. i liked it. so me n sam went and rode on bikes. it was fucking hilarious. then uhmm we came back to her place. and played wii a little. i ate. and watched her get ready for her whatever appointment and then work. then she was going to drop me off at my crib. we got mcdonalds. it was good. i went home, turned on the tv and fell asleep. woke up and peeled potatos for dinner. uhmm thats about it.

Day six, Tuesday: me n theresa wanted to hang out all day. no rides. so it was pretty boring. still not in a great mood. still thinking about Lisa. a LOT. i decide im seriously giving up on the opposite and same sex. im sick of it. it always happens to me. i guess its better now cuz later it would have been a lot worse. but like idk. i always like someone a LOT LOT LOT. and then in the worst way i get the information of them NOT liking me in that way at all. im done. im sick of ppl. im sick of being hurt. im sick of everything. just fucking sick of it all. aight so later on my parents come home and i got driven to theresas crib to stay over. we were planning on going to the city on wednesday. never happened, no one could go. whatever, next time. we chilled. were online the whole time.

Day seven, Wednesday (today): we were REALLY tired. so we posted some bulletin that was fucking great. and eventually went to bed. woke up later and had a pizza and cheese sticks for breakfast. it wasnt bad. sat online. tried to get Lisa to come over, but no. she didnt have a ride. k so then we were chillin some more. and we decided to watch harold and kumar. so we put that on and played pool. im in a better mood today. but still a little blah. idk. it seems that i cant stop thinking about Lisa. i need to stop liking her. i cant do it. i cant like her. i cant help it. i dont want this to be another cait and ariel thing. where i like these ppl so0o0o0o0o00o0o0o fucking much. and then it hits me hard so i get upset for a lil while. then i never forget them. ever. and always have feelings for them, just not as strong. ok. well. ariel, its not as bad with her. its actually not like that with her. ill always remember what i felt. but idk if i still feel for her. so yeah, we played pool. i won. harold and kumar is a great movie. theresa needs to NOT be straight edge, FUCK THAT. listen to psychopathic, get high, watch some fucking movie, eat, play pool. thats it. thats life. and then at night, DRINK! lol. im a bad person. no, ill never make her drink or smoke or anything. im not like that. so Lisa has been acting different lately. its just odd. idk, we dont really like it. its hard to explain. its like she gets mad at the tiny things. and she gets upset and/or annoyed with us a lot. and like, idk. distant? i cant explain it. but its there. and its noticable. eww noticable like my arm hair i have to shave! hahah sorry, i just looked down and my arms are hairy, that is bad. i gotta shave like tomorrow or something. anyhoo. so me n theresa are gonna have a lil photo shoot thingie sometime soon. slutty pictures on a pool table. cuz i love pool. and shes a slut? no im kidding. but we are gonna take cute slutty pictures on pool table. and ima be taking the pics. hah. cant wait. ok so my mood right now. i cant explain. im happy, im actually ok cuz i had a good day. it was fun. i have plans. saturday is coming up. weather is getting nicer. but im really upset for some reason. there is something keeping me down. and im not sure what it is. or what it may be. i have no fucking clue. ugh my fingers hurt from typing and i have to take a piss. k i pissed. it was nice. and refreshing. this is the longest entry ever. its been an hour. i missed Lost. sad. i havent seen it the last couple of episodes. shit. i saw ANTM today though. jael stayed =). i feel quite worthless right now. im not sure why. i just feel worthless and almost that my life is just a waste. im thinking about the couple of dreams i had a lil while back. and the dream i had on thursday. just all of my suicide dreams. my CutscUtscuTscutS. my suicide attempt? im alive. no cutting. no suicide. cuz i dont want to die. im not depressed either. not bipolar. although i have been having mood swings a lot lately. stressed out? i think so. but im not sure with what. im not really stressed out much. well yes i am. im always stressed. always have something on my mind. its like i can never be happy and when i am something or someone has to steal it away. THEIVES! give me back my feelings. speaking of which. feelings. my process of growing numb to feelings has majorly slowed down. i think i need to get back up on that shit. im sick of feelings. but it also seems like, the more i try to get away from them, the more they affect me? im not sure. its hard to say. but as much as i say im not gonna really FEEL. i will. always. im a human. im a chick. i guess im pretty good with hiding my feelings. except for on here. everything comes out. which is pretty good. but uhmm yeah. i can continue hiding. mask. charade. game. hide and go seek. lost. fake. can you tell its me?? or is this NOT me? do you know which i REALLY am?? am i this chick that has all these feelings but keeps them inside. the one that is dying but is not aware. the one that needs to be cared for. that hates love but its still trying to find some. am i the one that no matter what, will do anything, so you are happy. doesnt matter how miserable i will be. the one that hides the feelings so damn well that you believe she is fine all the time. the one that whenever she stares out into the distance, she is actually thinking. life. death. love. hate. or am i the one that really DOESNT have feelings. just types what my letters my fingers feel like hitting on this keyboard. the one that speaks words without meaning. the one that will kick your ass. tough. powerful. angry. emotionless? the one that will wander the streets alone if has to. fearless. or am i afraid. do i want to hold your hand. inside am i screaming out for you to hear me. am i yelling at the top of my lungs for you to see something in me. or am i really careless as i come off to be. its done isnt it. everything i hoped for. everything i wanted. its done. dead. dead. dead. death. dead. suicide? or homocide? you pick. cuz its not of a natural cause.

ok so i came out to my mom. she knows im bi. here is the full story. i was talking to my sister, because lately i have been feeling like telling my mom. and well she said that she loves me no matter what i do, she doesnt agree with it but im her sister and she will always love me. she also told me that if i am ready then i should. so then i call vikki, she tells me not to tell, because my mom might flip out and shit, and get paranoid as to who i chill with. then my sister called back. and we talked for a little bit. ok so then i go up to my moms room n im all"mom" n she says what? so i sit down n she asked me what me n my sister were tlaking about, she always does. so i sed yeah, we were talking about me. she thought that i had done something bad. but i didnt, i told her it isnt something i DID. so w/e i couldnt get it out. shes already bitchin at me because she is tired. so im crying lol. uhmm, im all this is HARD. and she said then why do you even begin to tell me. so w/e she starts guessing things, guesses bi, we had a little mini convo about that earlier cuz of the book im reading. uhmm she took it as a joke. at first, she didnt believe it at all, just said "dont jooke like that" took me a couple minutes to get her to believe that its not a joke. then uhmm, she called me a lesbian a couple times. then she wanted me to exactly explain this whole Bi thing. so i did. she said that its not normal, and im crazy. she asked if i would kiss a girl and if i have n i said yes to both cuz its tru. so then she said im disgusting. ok so after that, she was back to the whole, you are crazy its not normal. then we somehow started talking about sex. and then, she told me not to confuse friendship with actually having feelings. i told her im not. ok so she was telling me that it is just a phase, like everything else. then we kinda got done talking. i went to my room. uhmm she was saying that i CANT be bi. but i was saying but i AM bi. so that lasted between and hour and an hour and a half, i cried the whole time. then i took a bath, and then went to bed, layed there crying for like 30 minutes then fell asleep. uhmm, yeah. so i thought she would be acting differently, but no. we still act teh same, like we did before. OH she asked who i liked so i told her Lisa and she asked if she is also Bi n i said yeah. she asked if Lisa likes me back n i said no and then she said "that sucks, but i kinda feel bad for you, all of the people you like, you never get a chance with" which is true! but w/e. and she saw i was a little sad i guess when i told her that she doesnt like me back. so she stopped the yelling. idk. i went to school yesterday and my eyes were half closed, and a little red and swolen, cuz of the crying. Lisa just gave a looong hug, which made me feel better. and i went to her crib for lunch too. it was fun. my day got better. i made dinner the past two days and i gotta today too. uhmm, today ima chill with Lisa n katie after school =) im happy, because
one-my mom isnt acting differently
two-i get to chill with Lisa today
hmm well i gotta go get ready, i got my geometry final today. my bus comes in 35 minutes and im still sittin on my ass in my pajamas. thank you internet lol.

hola fukkas. im happy. i am actually happy for once. but i was happier yesterday. i went to Lisas party. it was fun. i met new ppl. i laughed. i had a great time. and there was mucho cuddling going on. smile smile. i think im going to the city today. hmm. BORING, but i got nuthing better to do. idk i'll see. for now i will just remember what was going on at the party, and all that mumbo jumbo.

so idk how to start lol. probably that i am mucho pissed. but at the same time far from pissed. i pissed cuz of shit that i do. and the way that i am. but im far from pissed cuz i get to chill wit Lisa on saturday. well 85% that i get to chill wit her. cuz idk wat can come up. uhmmm. and idk. ive been really confused with a lot lately. i know that i have been sayin that a lot. but its tru. i know i like Lisa. i know that for sure. but i have been wantin to just give up. but i know i shouldnt. i have not given up .. yet. and i think that i might maybe possibly have a chance. but that is only 1% that i think that. so i do have a little hope with this. BUT idk. it never works for me. i dont want to just back away. well i ACTUALLY like this person. BUT then there are old feelings coming up again. well not coming up again cuz they never left but resurfacing and its bad. well not BAD but not something i need right now. i want to just live on with life without thinking about soo much things. i shouldnt be worried about all of this. i dont know why i am trippin. its fuking ricoculous. w/e.